A Few Things From The Bikeshop

[Big Kahuna]

Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?"

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

- I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet
of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your :-):-):-):-) out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you :-):-):-):-)ing squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.

- No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering :-):-):-):-)ing thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:

-If you :-):-):-):-)heads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's :-):-):-):-). It was :-):-):-):-) in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still :-):-):-):-), even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows :-):-):-):-) all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are :-):-):-):-)ING AWESOME.


I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!

[john zigler]

oh man, i can SO relate.....

[McDog]

Love it.

[caseville9036]

So I can't mix Shimano and Sram stuff - Dammit!

What about using 650c inner tubes with my 26" road tires?

Sounds like bike shops in Michigan go through the same thing in Spring (this year we started early)

[scottie mac]

OK, that is hilarious!

SM

[pabloescobar]

"As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike."

My favorite quote in a menagerie of wonderful observations. This man should run for public office. I'd like to hear his thoughts on the d-bags that inhabit city hall.

[SirMrManGuy]

OOh I've got a few of these from my heyday at the shops.

To the rabid bike messenger guy who doesn't own a car:
Please don't stand so close to me every time I swap your Conti GP's out every other week because somehow you ride 1000 miles in two weeks, you smell awful. Also why do you ride 25miles out of the city in 95 degree heat to come to my shop when there is a perfectly good shop in town. Oh and why can't you swap your own tires by now?

To they parents who bought a bike at Toys R Us/WalMart:
Yes we charge $80 to go through and check out a bike you just bought and had assembled by the guy who also mops the vomit off the floor in the video game section when a full tune only costs $60. That's because I have to completely take it apart and put it back together. Now if you had bought a decent bike from us it would have came assembled and cost you $50 more in the long run and not been a POS Huffy. Also, just because you can buy a "Schwinn" at WalMart doesn't mean it's a good bike, I don't care how good that 10 speed you had back in the 60s was.

[McDog]

It is sad that schwinn, diamondback, and mongoose are such pos's now. They were great bikes. I wonder who will be next to sell their name.

[SuperJETT]

Not total junk: http://reviews.mtbr.com/bike-review-mongoose-xr200

[McDog]

Interesting that Pacific bought Cannondale now too. Not a good sign for Cannondale. I have a friend who is on his third 29er frame in a year with them now. They all have a failed weld at the seat/top tube junction. At least they are still honoring the warranty.

[Big Kahuna]

C'Dale got bought a few years ago..........

[GrantWarden]

Ride the Jekyll and tell me that C'Dale isn't still good. Such a fun bike.